From: Subject: Date: April 21, 2005 3:53:51 PM CDT Hankblog

Monday, April 05, 2004

Movie Retrospectives: Bombs Away Week
The Defendant: Showgirls

Description of the defendant:
Young Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) heads to Las Vegas to try and make her dream of becoming a top showgirl in a Vegas review. Along the way she attends classes at the School of Hard Knocks, while trying to wrestle the top billing away from current "it" showgirl Cristal Conners (Gina Gershon).

Crimes against moviegoing humanity:
Trying to convince the moviegoing public that Elizabeth Berkley can act - This girl appears to know only two acting speeds: bland as tapwater, and blindingly overwrought. You know immediately when Nomi is upset with something, as she beats the crap out of the target of her anger. Counters, french fries, suitors. There should be an APB out on Vegas police radio: All cars be on lookout for serial car denter. Suspect is prone to beating hoods of cars and leaving Tammy Faye Baker makeup impressions. Suspect considered to be unarmed and spastic.
Trying to convince the world the Berkley can dance - Though she does have some all right moments on stage, one has to wonder who they hired to instruct her for this thing. lists that Berkley worked regularly 16 hour days in high heels for the dance numbers. One can only assume her instructor spent 15 of those hours in the midst of an epileptic seizure.
Trying to insert plot into a de facto softcore porn movie - No one watches porn movies for the plot, Joe Eszterhaus. So why in the hell did you try and put one in here? The end result is a trailer trash blend of All About Eve and A Star is Born.

Guilt/shame by association:
Kyle MacLachlan - While I freely admit to not being a Twin Peaks or Blue Velvet fan, I know enough to say that MacLachlan deserves better than to be in this festering pile of dung. Kyle, does David Lynch not pay enough that you had to sell yourself out for this thing?
Director Paul Verhoeven - Eszterhaus must have some really incriminating picks of Paul somewhere to get him to direct this thing and Basic Instinct. Gets time off for good behavior, showing up at the Razzie ceremonies to accept every award the movie won in person.
Gina Gershon - Was 10 times sexier and more convincing with faux lesbianism in the superior pic Bound.

Best awful line:
Alan Rachins (known to some as Douglas Brackman on LA Law or Dharma's father on Dharma and Greg) is assessing a line of candidates for an open spot in the chorus for the topless show Rachins is producing at the Stardust. He approaches one woman who happens to be quite chesty:
"What do you have in there, watermelons? This is a show honey, not a patch."

Time served:
Nominated for 13 Razzies, winning 7: Worst actress (Berkley), Director (Verhoeven), New Star (Berkley), Original Song, Worst Picture, Worst Screen Couple (for any two people or combination of body parts), and Screenplay (Eszterhaus).
12% Fresh rating on Amazingly, 4 people gave it positive reviews.
Rated 3.7 stars out of 10 on out of 9400+ votes cast (who knew imdb had such a porn watching base?).

Best critical line on Rotten Tomatoes:
"Showgirls approximates the feeling of someone sleazy putting the make on you. Its brand of sexual harassment makes you feel dirty and not at all flattered." - Joe Baltake, SACRAMENTO BEE.

Any mitigating circumstances or good behavior?:

The T&A quality is decent if you're in the mood for that sort of thing, but only in the NC-17 version (which makes me wonder why anyone at all would watch the R-rated if you don't even get the softcore porn payoff).

Sentence issued:

Doomed to remain in cult classic status as a piece of classic trash in the same canon as Valley of the Dolls, or a favorite amongst pathetic teenage boys who can't get a date or a real X-rated movie.